A star gyal story:

Hello lovelies!

Today is Friday which means there's a new blog post! So sit back, grab some pholourie and mango sour as a snack and get to reading. Today I wanted to discuss family history and how it impacts our self-identity.

Backstory

Ever since I was a kid, I was intrigued by my ancestors. I wanted to know more about my family history because I had little knowledge of it on my Guyanese side. I started an Ancestry.com account at the ripe age of 11 thinking that this site would unlock all my family history and that I'd finally know more about my lineage.

Unfortunately, my 11 year old brain was unaware of the fact that this was not possible. Sites like these only cater to those whose families were either born in North America, or had deep roots there. Sadly, I scoured the site for hours, wondering why on Earth there was no trace of my family. I saw all the ads of people finding documentation of their families, wondering where the hell my family was. Eventually I gave up. I still had that thirst for knowledge, which grew more and more powerful as I got older. I would ask my grandmother stories about her family, in an attempt to get as much information as I could before she would forget. It was frustrating to say the least. I had a lot of questions, and very very few answers.

The eccentric Jean DeFreitas (nee Ramotar) can not remember much of her early life. In fact, I'm not quite sure the facts we do know are accurate at all. She was an orphan (the time of her adoption not clear). She had a brother who committed suicide in Guyana, though we are unsure whether he is her biological brother or adoptive brother. Nor am I sure her maiden name is from her biological father. Her birth mother is listed though there is no record of her father on her birth certificate. She remembers little bits and pieces, but they are so fragmented that it's not enough to complete the puzzle. It's as if a glass has shattered, the pieces are just too small and incomplete to ever be whole again. There are so many tiny fragments of memories, the line between what's real and not becomes faded. Though one thing (which I love) is that she does remember is to drink her red wine out of a coffee mug to attempt to hide the fact that she's drinking wine. Oh, and that she remembers the name of her manager from when she was working at 16, but not where she was living at that time (haha). She cannot tell me details of her childhood, in fact, much of her young adulthood seems to be lost to time as well. All I have are pieces for an incomplete puzzle.

My grandmother pictured here in her passport photo (BADDIE ALERT)

I'm still trying to put the pieces of her life together. I took a DNA test to see if it could hint to anything that would lead to more insight on my lineage. I got an extremely high amount of Northern and Southern Indian. It could not narrow down anything between the two. This made me more frustrated. Who was that ancestor that came to Guyana from India? What were they like? What was their life like? How did my grandmother's parents pass away? How could she not remember ANYTHING at all? Genealogy sites cannot provide information. In fact, to find any records of her life, I'd need to go to Guyana myself and seek them. Even if I did, they more than likely would not be there. There was just no formal record keeping we have today in countries like Canada. Although I will probably never find anymore details about her past, I'm stubborn-which means I probably won't ever find any further information but it doesn't mean I will stop trying.

Copy of her birth certificate. Her father is not stated.

SELF-IDENTITY IN A MIXED WORLD

I feel like the past is connected to us. My past won't determine my future, but it can help me feel more secure in it. It helps us feel more connected to our identity, and growing up mixed, it's something I always craved. I've always felt stuck between two worlds. Experiencing the negative effects of both and feeling like you are invalid on both sides make it even more discouraging in feeling confident in your self-identity. How can a person feel valid in their communities when people from their own communities make comments to invalid them? Sometimes, you feel like you have no sense of identity because you are asking yourself "Am I not enough for either side of me?. Who am I? Am I what others perceive me as, or what makes me- me?

Now that I'm older, I wanted to change this feeling. I wondered how I could shift from thinking that I was not enough, to being more comfortable in myself. It can be uncomfortable, trust me I get it. It's uncomforting feeling like you can't identify as who you are because you feel like you don't qualify for it. That's why I started this blog. I knew there were others like me, who struggled with their self-identity. Who've been told "you're not a true Guyanese because you're only half". Which is not only hurtful, but harmful.

People cannot take who you are away from you. No one can tell you "you are not enough". If there's one thing I want my readers to internalize is that, you are who you are. Stop letting others tell you how to identify yourself, or feel uncomfortable in doing so. You are just as Guyanese as anyone else, regardless if you're "only half". Your identity is yours alone. Don't allow others to tell you how to identify yourself because you do not fit the idea they have in their head of what you "should" look like. Being mixed has it's positives and it's negatives. We just have to focus on the positive aspects of being mixed. We have the pleasure in being part of multiple cultures that have great things to offer us. Put yourself out there, feel comfortable in expressing your identity. Don't be shy. Be unapologetically Guyanese.

So next time someone tells you that you're not Guyanese enough, tell them

shut yuh rass, skunt.