Not fair but still lovely

Hello lovelies!

This week, I wanted to explore western beauty standards and how they impacted my life as a mixed Caribbean woman. I've learned to love myself a lot more in the past year, but that doesn't erase the many years I spent being unhappy with my appearance.

To break it down, it's important to acknowledge that Western beauty standards have played a significant role in how minority women view themselves. Being mixed, I saw myself as different from both sides of my family. I didn't quite fit in my European side and didn't quite fit in on my Guyanese side. I always felt stuck in limbo between two different worlds. What made me feel even worse was that I didn't fit in society's standard of beauty. It was when I spent two years living in a small town outside of Toronto that I felt the pressure to fit in and be "beautiful". Only, I never ended up feeling that way for a variety of reasons.

The expectations put on women are not always in your face. I realized that growing up, there was a serious lack of representation for anyone other than white women. They're in advertisements, commercials, music videos, and films. Mainstream Hollywood didn't make a brown women the love interests in their films. It was always a thin, blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman the object of every man's desires. She was the popular girl, the girl next door, the all-American sweetheart. She was the one being represented. She was the one that I spent so long wondering why I didn't look like. How can we tell women that they're beautiful when we constantly make white women the standard of beauty. Everyone is always chasing after the white girl. Where are the brown girls? Where are the black girls? These little things influence how we perceive ourselves. I didn't think I could be beautiful or loved because I never looked like the girls in the movies. No one was chasing after girls like me.

There are other features I came to realize were being pushed on us. For example, women in shows that had "ethnic" noses like mine were seen as undesirable or cast as the stereotypical nerds in desperate need of a makeover. Women with small button noses were regarded as beautiful. When you grow up, and the only nose you see everywhere is one that looks nothing like yours, it makes you question yourself. Features you had were seen on the "undesirable" characters. I found myself always criticizing my ethnic features. I spent so much time planning what nose I wanted to have if I ever got a nose job. The real question is, where the hell are women with noses like mine? Why can't we acknowledge that beauty is found everywhere and in everyone. In fact, our uniqueness is the very thing that makes us beautiful.

There is a serious lack of Indo-Caribbean women in mainstream media. If you've watched the Netflix series "Indian Matchmaking" you would be familiar with Nadia Jagessar. She is an Indo-Caribbean woman that was featured on the show. I'll never forget the feeling I had when she said she was Guyanese. Having someone represent my culture in mainstream media was huge. I was surprised to see someone represent Guyana. That representation made the world to me. There was someone on a platform that millions of people watch, representing my community. Guyana is a small country, but its people have a big heart. I wish there were more women like Nadia in mainstream movies and television. We need more Caribbean women out there, sharing their stories, and showing the world how beautiful our culture is.

The Lifelong Journey to Self-Acceptance

It's hard to unlearn all the things we were subconsciously and outright told to hate about ourselves. It goes deeper than the women we see in films. It more than the media we consume. It's comments from people around us that damage our self-esteem even more. When I was in elementary school, one of my first times discussing colorism was with a friend of mine. She had told me that her mom bought her Fair and Lovely. At the time, I didn't know what it was, so I asked. She explained that it was to make her skin lighter. She thought it was silly and so did I. We spent that recess laughing at how silly her mom was being. "Why should she lighten her skin when it was already so beautiful?" I thought.

As a kid, I spent my summer's outside. The thing about being half Guyanese and being outside for 8 hours a day was that I got really tan. I was always naturally darker than my white friends but the first time I experienced colorism was at 12 years old. To note, I acknowledge that I am considered fairly light to some people so my experiences with colourism are not like that of other people who are darker. Despite this, I was still made fun of for the colour of my skin and that was not okay. I was outside for a large portion of that summer which resulted in me getting a deep tan. This also meant that I would be the subject to scrutiny that I was not mentally equipped to handle. I never saw a problem with my skin until I was laughed at for the colour of it. The worst part about being made fun or your skin is that it's just that- your skin. You can't rid yourself of its colour. The only thing (or what I thought was the only thing) to do was hate it. I was told that I was "too dark" and that I shouldn't have been in the sun for so long because now I look too "Indian". Being a kid and hearing that for the first time left me feeling shocked. I wondered what the issue was with the colour of my skin. I couldn't help it. I knew I got dark in the summer and I never saw it as a bad thing. I loved my skin before I was teased about it. I spent the next 6 or 7 years avoiding the sun. I was afraid of being dark again. I was afraid of being laughed at. I associated my complexion with being ugly. I thought to myself that I was undesirable when I was dark because that's what I was bullied for. It was a long time before I was comfortable to go out in the sun. When I finally did, I was met with criticism again. This time from grown men. Asking "If she's half white, why does she look SO DARK?'. As if my "darkness" was something I should have been ashamed of. In my late teens, I came to terms with my self-identity. I am a mixed woman. I get tan. I have hyperpigmentation. Parts of my body look different than that of a fairer skinned individual and that is OK.

Unlearn what you've been told to hate about yourself. Loving yourself is not easy. There are days where I still hate my appearance, but then I ask myself why I hate it. Is it because I truly believe I am ugly or is it because I've been told to hate that part about myself?

Pictured: My beautiful cousins. I am the youngest one on the far right. All different shades of brown, and all beautiful.